stupid mortality.

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

best laid plans?

today i was planning to get up, get busy, do work, all that…but, instead, i get stomach flu and body aches and so much sadness and anxiety about the health of my aunt and worry about my uncle and my mom and how it’s impacting everyone else.  i can’t even figure out what i’m feeling, i’m just feeling overwhelmed and alone.  guess that might explain the stomach.

it all works counter to my “clean and sober” plan for the day, let me tell you.

almost summer!

some of the kids are just so awesome–i’m really going to miss several of the graduates and i hope that they are as happy to be getting out of high school as i was.  best time of my life was probably when i was 19, captain of my own destiny.

anyway, only one day of school left, and hanging in there, so far.  it’s been stressful and it’s a physically demanding time of the year, but, honestly?  i’ve been pretty lazy lately.  it’s just hard to get too invested in a project when i am so very tired, sore and distracted by textbooks every two seconds!

tomorrow is the last day and i’ll stack and sort books and turn in my report, clear up the bulk of the horrors in my office and call it a year!  next year is going to be so different, as they all are.  i don’t really have any “friends” on campus anymore, other than the immediate library family, so i’ll be even more out of touch on the things that are happening at school.  i hate not knowing!  and then they wonder why we aren’t more invested.  anyway.

almost summer!

a good and bad school year, but i’ll def. remember these good kids long after i forget the annoyances.  good luck, guys.  i’ll be thinking of you.