what is not okay.

July 23, 2018

the problem is not that you put your dick in me way back then, so much as that you told me afterwards that if i told your girlfriend, one of my best friends, she would blame me and not you.

well, that’s not the only problem.  there are other problems.

one of the problems is that i was, and probably am, stupidly naiive and it never in a million years occurred to me what was going to happen, even though the entire world tells me that i should have known better.  and i should have known better!  how could i have been so stupid as to trust the boyfriend of one of my best friends, someone i’d known for years as a “good guy”?  yeah.  stupid.

and the drinking–obviously that wasn’t good.  but i was in my own home!  in my own bed!  i figure, we were probably both super drunk, and that’s why you somehow thought the whole thing was a good idea in the first place, but that doesn’t explain the second place or the manipulation.

it’s so easy to make mistakes and i know this.  i have made mistakes and done lots of things that i regret.  you can’t go back in time and undo things, you can just try to learn from your mistakes and not make them again.  you can be sorry, but you can’t take away the sickness in my stomach at the thought of what happened and the never-ending self-doubt and the bitter feeling of betrayal that someone i trusted used me in that way.

i don’t bear you ill will, but i don’t ever want to see or speak to you again and i don’t think i owe you any other reason than that it wasn’t the penetration, it was the betrayal and manipulation that makes me sick to this day.  i don’t know what you think happened and i don’t want to hear about it.  i hope you’re doing well in life, honestly, but please just leave me alone.

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notes

July 21, 2018

i used to read liner notes obsessively when i bought a new record–and the use of that word is intentional here, though i still tend to say an artist has a new “record” even when it doesn’t appear in that format.  i would study they lyrics and the people involved the way i would watch credits at the movies and see the same names and make connections.  one of my favorite moments when i was a teen was when the damned put out “light at the end of the tunnel” and the inner sleeves included all the other band members were in and i already had so many in my collection, even though they were obscure, particularly to americans at the time, i think…and it’s not like i could really share all this special information and impress anyone with it, because no one i knew cared, but i liked knowing.

these days trivia is so cheap and no one needs to know anything because everything can be looked up instantly. at the same time, it’s like you can never know enough to prove that you’re a big enough fan to someone else, and it’s exhausting to try.  even though i never really managed to use the information i gleaned in the past for winning friends or influencing people, i got pleasure from it and sometimes it was a hell of a bonding moment with someone…but these days, it rarely seems worth it.  in a way, it’s liberating to just let it all wash over me and like what i like and ignore what i don’t like, but it’s kind of isolating, too.

i’m disgusted by the state of national and local politics, but that’s just background stress to the personal.  my mother’s health has been quite bad and i spent all my summer and most of my free time–and not free time that i had to free up–up in petaluma, at various hospitals, rehab facilities and my mom’s apartment.  it’s stressful and physically exhausting and i am not getting any outside support–it’s just me to figure things out.  the lack of communication from my sister is also hurtful and confusing, but i can’t even unpack that one–i can just do what i can for my mom.

my own health has also suffered, and i had a very scary TIA at work last month–one of those “mini-strokes”.  i felt like a bright light was shining in my eye and things just didn’t feel right…then i realized that i couldn’t remember my address.  then i realized that i couldn’t read–that i knew what letters were, but i couldn’t sound out simple words.

it was terrifying.

of course i didn’t go to the doctor, but stayed at school until 9pm because it was “open house” and the only people who came to see me were my assistant’s wife and daughter.  the next day, after my doctor freaked out on me, i am still at school because my assistant is out with a bad cold–i’m getting more and more anxious about everything, so finally decide i have to leave school early.  i’m in my office and students are outside the library door screaming, “i see her!  she’s in there!” which didn’t do a lot of good toward me NOT having a stroke.  thankfully CT scan and MRI show no permanent damage or bleeding in the brain and i just finished a month of heart monitoring yesterday, so we’ll see what they say about that.  as i’m dealing with all this stress and stress-induced illness, my school basically set me up to have so much additional, unnecessary stress that was based solely on other people not planning that i spent two weeks constantly on the verge of tears, feeling so betrayed that no one in that school or district has my back, though i was almost literally killing myself for them.

i’m going to try not to do that anymore.

this is the end of spring break now and we have about six more weeks of school.  i am incredibly relieved to have the heart monitor off and i hope that the nasty burned-looking abrasions from the electrodes will heal soon and i can forget all about it.  my mom’s health is doing better and i hope we can have a summer of enjoying things instead of all the awfulness of last summer…though i know it’s just a matter of time before we have to think about how we can move her to the “next step” of whatever keeps us going.  it’s going to be difficult, no matter what it is.

i am disturbed that i feel so adrift and betrayed by my school–i’ve been there twenty years and i’ve always loved that school, even in the bad times, but the bad times are getting so bad and it is so clear that they don’t really value me, even with all i try to do there.  i should try to think practically and look for another library, another place less ridiculous to live than san francisco, a school less intent on killing me–or at least willing to pay me a little more for the opportunity.  i should do these things, but i’m not sure i will.  i love my library, and it takes a lot to give up something i made for something so uncertain…though is it going to be less scary when i’m even older and more broken?

anyway, that’s the update, in a nutshell.

i’m still alive.

i did not march.

i walked around a little bit and i thought a lot and i felt pretty bad about not marching, but i just didn’t manage to get over my crowd thing to make it happen;  i’m very grateful that you did.

thanks.

it’s my birthday.

December 7, 2016

i’m not particularly into birthdays, but today is my day!

(of course, the funny thing about this is that my birthday is the 6th and this is posted on the 7th, but, trust me!  i know my own birthday!  even if i had to do the math on my fingers to remember how old i am…)

i am not alone.

November 10, 2016

a year or so ago we had an anti-bullying assembly at school and there were buttons. i keep two posted in my apartment where i can see them–one in the bathroom and one here on the bookshelf, next to the computer–that both say, “you are not alone.”

sometimes i feel very, very alone.

sometimes i think those buttons are mother-fucking liars.

kurt vonnegut has this quote from timequake:

“Many people need desperately to receive this message: ‘I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'”

i know that there are lots of people who feel as despairing of hope and as abused and shocked and incredulous about this election as i do–i know this.  the buttons tell me, kurt vonnegut tells me, facebook tells me.

i am not alone.

and maybe, together, we can do something to salvage the ideals of our country.  maybe, together, we can protect the people and ideas so savagely attacked by trump in his campaign and heal some of the wounds and rifts that he might not have caused, but that he certainly made worse.

i am trying to hope.  i am trying to keep it together.  i am trying to understand that all those hateful, frightened trump supporters probably also just wanted to know that they are not alone, but i cannot stomach that anyone with a shred of humanity could ignore his hatefulness.  i don’t know if i can be the bigger person and forgive them–i don’t even know if i have it in me to try, but hating them isn’t going to help me and it isn’t going to hurt or teach them anything.

we are in this world together and the things we do matter, the things we say matter, the way we think matters.  we need to try to find a way to get through this together.

*focus is in no way electric
gave my mom the versa, bought myself a 2013 focus automatic that is just fine. didn’t really want a car payment and a rent increase, but i think my head will continue to stay slightly above water.
otherwise, some things are good, some things are for shit. whatever. just checking in.

ugh.

June 28, 2016

car stress, which is really money stress, is not something we need right now.  not something anyone ever needs, of course, but i have enough existential angst going on as it is–the idea that i’ve just paid $1400 to repair my mom’s car–basically more than it is worth–and we’ll still have to buy her a different car on top of that because this’ll just keep her limping along until we can figure something else out.

ugh.

i haven’t even paid off my car (that i hate) yet, but now i’m going to try to absorb another car payment?  and my rent goes up next month, of course.  it’s just exhausting, all on top of a grief sandwich of worrying about my aunt and uncle.

i picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

i guess most days are both those things, depending on where the focus is.  probably plenty of motivational posters out there to tell me that one, but sometimes i have to be almost forcibly reminded that there are people in my life who give me pleasure, who love me and who are happy that i love them.

so much is just so dark and scary in the world right now.  people are so proud of their small minds and bigotry, and somehow rally around it and fail to see where those things lead.  when something awful happens, no one takes responsibility for any part in the process they might be aiding and, instead, focus on whatever target that can rile people up and turn attention away from their own culpability.

this world makes me very sad, but there are still so many wonderful moments of comfort and joy.  i wish i could see more ways that it might get better, because there are so many, many ways that it is all going to hell in a hand basket.

at least today, in my world, there were tiny croissant cookies from the daiso store and a good friend for sharing.

my mom is up at the compound, keeping an eye on uncle bill and keeping him company while aunt elaine is at the hospital.  not sure what will happen when aunt elaine is gone.