i did not march.

i walked around a little bit and i thought a lot and i felt pretty bad about not marching, but i just didn’t manage to get over my crowd thing to make it happen;  i’m very grateful that you did.

thanks.

it’s my birthday.

December 7, 2016

i’m not particularly into birthdays, but today is my day!

(of course, the funny thing about this is that my birthday is the 6th and this is posted on the 7th, but, trust me!  i know my own birthday!  even if i had to do the math on my fingers to remember how old i am…)

i am not alone.

November 10, 2016

a year or so ago we had an anti-bullying assembly at school and there were buttons. i keep two posted in my apartment where i can see them–one in the bathroom and one here on the bookshelf, next to the computer–that both say, “you are not alone.”

sometimes i feel very, very alone.

sometimes i think those buttons are mother-fucking liars.

kurt vonnegut has this quote from timequake:

“Many people need desperately to receive this message: ‘I feel and think much as you do, care about many of the things you care about, although most people do not care about them. You are not alone.'”

i know that there are lots of people who feel as despairing of hope and as abused and shocked and incredulous about this election as i do–i know this.  the buttons tell me, kurt vonnegut tells me, facebook tells me.

i am not alone.

and maybe, together, we can do something to salvage the ideals of our country.  maybe, together, we can protect the people and ideas so savagely attacked by trump in his campaign and heal some of the wounds and rifts that he might not have caused, but that he certainly made worse.

i am trying to hope.  i am trying to keep it together.  i am trying to understand that all those hateful, frightened trump supporters probably also just wanted to know that they are not alone, but i cannot stomach that anyone with a shred of humanity could ignore his hatefulness.  i don’t know if i can be the bigger person and forgive them–i don’t even know if i have it in me to try, but hating them isn’t going to help me and it isn’t going to hurt or teach them anything.

we are in this world together and the things we do matter, the things we say matter, the way we think matters.  we need to try to find a way to get through this together.

*focus is in no way electric
gave my mom the versa, bought myself a 2013 focus automatic that is just fine. didn’t really want a car payment and a rent increase, but i think my head will continue to stay slightly above water.
otherwise, some things are good, some things are for shit. whatever. just checking in.

ugh.

June 28, 2016

car stress, which is really money stress, is not something we need right now.  not something anyone ever needs, of course, but i have enough existential angst going on as it is–the idea that i’ve just paid $1400 to repair my mom’s car–basically more than it is worth–and we’ll still have to buy her a different car on top of that because this’ll just keep her limping along until we can figure something else out.

ugh.

i haven’t even paid off my car (that i hate) yet, but now i’m going to try to absorb another car payment?  and my rent goes up next month, of course.  it’s just exhausting, all on top of a grief sandwich of worrying about my aunt and uncle.

i picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

i guess most days are both those things, depending on where the focus is.  probably plenty of motivational posters out there to tell me that one, but sometimes i have to be almost forcibly reminded that there are people in my life who give me pleasure, who love me and who are happy that i love them.

so much is just so dark and scary in the world right now.  people are so proud of their small minds and bigotry, and somehow rally around it and fail to see where those things lead.  when something awful happens, no one takes responsibility for any part in the process they might be aiding and, instead, focus on whatever target that can rile people up and turn attention away from their own culpability.

this world makes me very sad, but there are still so many wonderful moments of comfort and joy.  i wish i could see more ways that it might get better, because there are so many, many ways that it is all going to hell in a hand basket.

at least today, in my world, there were tiny croissant cookies from the daiso store and a good friend for sharing.

my mom is up at the compound, keeping an eye on uncle bill and keeping him company while aunt elaine is at the hospital.  not sure what will happen when aunt elaine is gone.

stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

best laid plans?

May 29, 2016

today i was planning to get up, get busy, do work, all that…but, instead, i get stomach flu and body aches and so much sadness and anxiety about the health of my aunt and worry about my uncle and my mom and how it’s impacting everyone else.  i can’t even figure out what i’m feeling, i’m just feeling overwhelmed and alone.  guess that might explain the stomach.

it all works counter to my “clean and sober” plan for the day, let me tell you.

almost summer!

May 26, 2016

some of the kids are just so awesome–i’m really going to miss several of the graduates and i hope that they are as happy to be getting out of high school as i was.  best time of my life was probably when i was 19, captain of my own destiny.

anyway, only one day of school left, and hanging in there, so far.  it’s been stressful and it’s a physically demanding time of the year, but, honestly?  i’ve been pretty lazy lately.  it’s just hard to get too invested in a project when i am so very tired, sore and distracted by textbooks every two seconds!

tomorrow is the last day and i’ll stack and sort books and turn in my report, clear up the bulk of the horrors in my office and call it a year!  next year is going to be so different, as they all are.  i don’t really have any “friends” on campus anymore, other than the immediate library family, so i’ll be even more out of touch on the things that are happening at school.  i hate not knowing!  and then they wonder why we aren’t more invested.  anyway.

almost summer!

a good and bad school year, but i’ll def. remember these good kids long after i forget the annoyances.  good luck, guys.  i’ll be thinking of you.