stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

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best laid plans?

May 29, 2016

today i was planning to get up, get busy, do work, all that…but, instead, i get stomach flu and body aches and so much sadness and anxiety about the health of my aunt and worry about my uncle and my mom and how it’s impacting everyone else.  i can’t even figure out what i’m feeling, i’m just feeling overwhelmed and alone.  guess that might explain the stomach.

it all works counter to my “clean and sober” plan for the day, let me tell you.

almost summer!

May 26, 2016

some of the kids are just so awesome–i’m really going to miss several of the graduates and i hope that they are as happy to be getting out of high school as i was.  best time of my life was probably when i was 19, captain of my own destiny.

anyway, only one day of school left, and hanging in there, so far.  it’s been stressful and it’s a physically demanding time of the year, but, honestly?  i’ve been pretty lazy lately.  it’s just hard to get too invested in a project when i am so very tired, sore and distracted by textbooks every two seconds!

tomorrow is the last day and i’ll stack and sort books and turn in my report, clear up the bulk of the horrors in my office and call it a year!  next year is going to be so different, as they all are.  i don’t really have any “friends” on campus anymore, other than the immediate library family, so i’ll be even more out of touch on the things that are happening at school.  i hate not knowing!  and then they wonder why we aren’t more invested.  anyway.

almost summer!

a good and bad school year, but i’ll def. remember these good kids long after i forget the annoyances.  good luck, guys.  i’ll be thinking of you.

killing time.

April 24, 2016

spring is springing up all over the place and i’m killing time ’til summer.  school is fine, though i do occasionally despair of our future, thinking some of these little nippers will be running things when i get old and broken, but there are enough good ones to make up for the annoyances of immature high school kids.  for every annoying jerk there are ten average kids and probably half of an outstanding kid to balance out the equation–still more good than bad, even on a bad day.

i suppose that’s about the same as san francisco–it sucks to feel under constant scrutiny by my landlords, looking for a way to boot me, it sucks to see the city swallowed up by soulless assholes who don’t even really live here, since they spend so much of their time taking their private land yachts down to their tech playgrounds of the south, but, still–more good than bad.

i’ll keep hanging on.

i can’t imagine i ever will be, but it’s supposed to be a long winter–we’ll see how it goes.

anyway, things are going along fine.  school is good, life is good, pain levels are shitty, but two out of three ain’t bad.

maybe my life is crumbling around me…sort of hard to tell.

well, nothing is really crumbling.  some things are sort of slouching off the scene.  eh.  at least my fever is gone and i’m not quite so discombobulated now.

well.

January 7, 2016

i’m feeling unsettled and like all of a sudden all the rules have changed and no one told me.  i’m hoping this is a touch of the crazy and not actually true, but i guess time will tell.

happy new year.

December 31, 2015

i have been in a school environment for so long that i never tend to think of january as the beginning of the year–it’s the middle, for me.  also, new year’s eve has a super shitty track record for me over the years, so i tend to just ignore the whole thing other than being bitter that i can’t just go get a drink at the bar without the hoopla.

that said, happy new year to us all;  let’s hope for a good one, right?

this year has been–has been a year, i guess.  i can’t think of a thing that marked out last year at this time from now, really.

there has been loss, but nothing too close or too unexpected.

there have been gains.

mostly, there has been me, going on, holding fairly steady, making a little progress.

not a bad year.  in fact, i think i’m going to call it:  2015;  it was a pretty good year.

this morning i went to SCRAP with tracy–after a couple false moves wherein i scampered up and attempted to enter my neighbor’s daughter’s car…twice.

awesome-giant bag of fabric for a couple specific things and then i cut myself off and paid.  while i was waiting for tracy to finish up–yes, i sort of lost her, but i knew she’d turn up!, i noticed one of my favorite kids from school and i got to put in a plug for the school library’s collection of books on clothing alteration and such–awesome and not awkward, which is the best kind of student sighting to have.  better than hearing “librarian!  that’s my librarian!” as you’re leaving a bar.

had a wonderful time and laughed and laughed with tracy–she took me to a giant dollar store down in the excelsior.  i was incredibly thrilled to find these men’s XL swim trunks by Golvin Kloin:

GolvinKloin

the cashier actually said, “do you want to buy those?”

“yes, i do!” i declared, proudly.

oh, man.  so funny.

spent the afternoon prewashing and cutting fabric.  tomorrow, i sew!

 

 

 

i had a birthday.

December 9, 2015

birthday2015

it was a really nice weekend–ben arranged a party for me at hotel zetta, with zoe bartending and cupcakes and all my friends.  i couldn’t have asked for a nicer time or better company.  it made me feel very lucky and loved.