ugh.

June 28, 2016

car stress, which is really money stress, is not something we need right now.  not something anyone ever needs, of course, but i have enough existential angst going on as it is–the idea that i’ve just paid $1400 to repair my mom’s car–basically more than it is worth–and we’ll still have to buy her a different car on top of that because this’ll just keep her limping along until we can figure something else out.

ugh.

i haven’t even paid off my car (that i hate) yet, but now i’m going to try to absorb another car payment?  and my rent goes up next month, of course.  it’s just exhausting, all on top of a grief sandwich of worrying about my aunt and uncle.

i picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

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i guess most days are both those things, depending on where the focus is.  probably plenty of motivational posters out there to tell me that one, but sometimes i have to be almost forcibly reminded that there are people in my life who give me pleasure, who love me and who are happy that i love them.

so much is just so dark and scary in the world right now.  people are so proud of their small minds and bigotry, and somehow rally around it and fail to see where those things lead.  when something awful happens, no one takes responsibility for any part in the process they might be aiding and, instead, focus on whatever target that can rile people up and turn attention away from their own culpability.

this world makes me very sad, but there are still so many wonderful moments of comfort and joy.  i wish i could see more ways that it might get better, because there are so many, many ways that it is all going to hell in a hand basket.

at least today, in my world, there were tiny croissant cookies from the daiso store and a good friend for sharing.

my mom is up at the compound, keeping an eye on uncle bill and keeping him company while aunt elaine is at the hospital.  not sure what will happen when aunt elaine is gone.

stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

best laid plans?

May 29, 2016

today i was planning to get up, get busy, do work, all that…but, instead, i get stomach flu and body aches and so much sadness and anxiety about the health of my aunt and worry about my uncle and my mom and how it’s impacting everyone else.  i can’t even figure out what i’m feeling, i’m just feeling overwhelmed and alone.  guess that might explain the stomach.

it all works counter to my “clean and sober” plan for the day, let me tell you.

almost summer!

May 26, 2016

some of the kids are just so awesome–i’m really going to miss several of the graduates and i hope that they are as happy to be getting out of high school as i was.  best time of my life was probably when i was 19, captain of my own destiny.

anyway, only one day of school left, and hanging in there, so far.  it’s been stressful and it’s a physically demanding time of the year, but, honestly?  i’ve been pretty lazy lately.  it’s just hard to get too invested in a project when i am so very tired, sore and distracted by textbooks every two seconds!

tomorrow is the last day and i’ll stack and sort books and turn in my report, clear up the bulk of the horrors in my office and call it a year!  next year is going to be so different, as they all are.  i don’t really have any “friends” on campus anymore, other than the immediate library family, so i’ll be even more out of touch on the things that are happening at school.  i hate not knowing!  and then they wonder why we aren’t more invested.  anyway.

almost summer!

a good and bad school year, but i’ll def. remember these good kids long after i forget the annoyances.  good luck, guys.  i’ll be thinking of you.

killing time.

April 24, 2016

spring is springing up all over the place and i’m killing time ’til summer.  school is fine, though i do occasionally despair of our future, thinking some of these little nippers will be running things when i get old and broken, but there are enough good ones to make up for the annoyances of immature high school kids.  for every annoying jerk there are ten average kids and probably half of an outstanding kid to balance out the equation–still more good than bad, even on a bad day.

i suppose that’s about the same as san francisco–it sucks to feel under constant scrutiny by my landlords, looking for a way to boot me, it sucks to see the city swallowed up by soulless assholes who don’t even really live here, since they spend so much of their time taking their private land yachts down to their tech playgrounds of the south, but, still–more good than bad.

i’ll keep hanging on.

i can’t imagine i ever will be, but it’s supposed to be a long winter–we’ll see how it goes.

anyway, things are going along fine.  school is good, life is good, pain levels are shitty, but two out of three ain’t bad.

maybe my life is crumbling around me…sort of hard to tell.

well, nothing is really crumbling.  some things are sort of slouching off the scene.  eh.  at least my fever is gone and i’m not quite so discombobulated now.

well.

January 7, 2016

i’m feeling unsettled and like all of a sudden all the rules have changed and no one told me.  i’m hoping this is a touch of the crazy and not actually true, but i guess time will tell.