weird.

i was talking to my assistant today about a former student of ours who visited yesterday and told me that his dad has ALS and is dying.  i said, “that’s about how old i was when my dad got sick and died.  it’s tough.”

then we sort of moved on and did whatever else we needed to do…but just now, i was sitting here, picturing that young, young boy, just twenty-two years old and thinking that that was me, twenty-odd years ago.

wow.

no wonder losing my dad fucked me up so much–i was just a baby.  i shouldn’t be so hard on myself that it’s still hard.  it’s always hard, and every death brings back all the others.

 

the second first day of school.

today students came back to school, though it was only a half day and nothing really happened.  still, so far, so good!  at this point i only have one TA, but she is absolutely adorable.  when i was showing her the various fabulous features of the library, she had out a little notebook and was taking notes!  little library nerd!

cute back to school outfit rocked it hardcore, though i was happy to kick off the heels by 3:30.  tomorrow the actual ridiculously intensive work of checking out all the textbooks begins and i can guarantee there will be no frivolous frocks or non-sensible shoes until that’s done next week!

looking forward to heading up to the family compound with a friend or two after school tomorrow.  we’re a little late for the meteor showers because of school starting so early, but it’s always nice to touch bases with the family to eat, drink and make merry.  cat’s never been up or even through that part of the country, i don’t think, so hopefully it’ll be an adventure for her, too.  it’s looking to be a lovely weekend. 

back to school!

i just had an actual internal monologue about my second first-day-of-school outfit (today didn’t count because it was just teachers).  i don’t actually have to do very much work tomorrow because it’s a half day and we won’t start checking out books until friday, so i am free to wear frivolous shoes and a dress.  i’m leaning toward whatever looks good with my new red heels. 

all of this is fairly unusual for me, but i’m goin’ with it.  beats cryin’!

what a sad thing.

today is the next-to-last day of summer vacation.  i cleaned up the kitchen from appalling to really bad, then went down to union square for some back-to-school shopping–i didn’t get anything very exciting.  i stopped and got some lunch to carry home from henry’s hunan and then i saw the news about robin williams. 

such a sad thing.

always such a sad thing to have someone fling away his or her life, particularly one that had made others so happy. 

in every cancer, i see my father’s death;  i guess every suicide is now maureen.

robin williams–one of my only san francisco celebrity sightings.  he seemed like a nice guy, and so smart, so quick.  i’m sorry that he didn’t want to live any more.

countdown.

i can’t believe that summer vacation will be over by this time next week–i’ll already have to be getting up at 6:30am and showering and making myself presentable every day of the week!  egads.  i’m not ready.

well, actually, i love my job (other than that 6:30am thing and the disrespectful atmosphere), so i always sort of look forward to going back to school and getting the library whipped into shape for the new year, but i also really REALLY love my time off in the summer, to glue postcards and play with yarn and sew and do all those things that i have less time to do when i don’t have 20 of every 24 hours free to do whatever i want with.

ah, summer.

even a dreary, grief-stricken mess of a summer like this one still beats workin’.

fishy

_the world’s end_

today i had to drive over to oakland and up into an area so pleasant that i didn’t know it existed in order to put my rent check in my landlords’ mailbox and then turn around and drive home again.  basically i spent four bucks in bridge fare and a gallon of gas or so, not to mention a good chunk of my equanimity just to assure that i can carry on my hand-to-mouth existence in san francisco for at least another month.

because this process was apparently not angsty enough for me, i also ambushed myself with a song that i like a lot, but that made me cry on the freeway.  “call me crazy,” by storm large…it reminds me of maureen so much and of myself and of the two of us and how only one of us is alive.  this crazy doesn’t always help me see death as funny, let me tell you, but i am glad i’m alive.

been feeling fairly crap about things, myself, my situation, stuff that doesn’t generally bear thinking about, but that i can’t get out of my mind lately.  petty rejections and failures that shouldn’t register, but can’t be shaken off, confusion and longing for the ease of things in the past.  not cool and pretty much the antithesis of how i want to be living my life.

_the world’s end_ was kind of a mess, but kind of brilliant, too–a kingdom for the unreliable narrator, i guess, if you are a person who can’t just have fun and enjoy a movie.  (i’m that kind of person.) 

earlier today i read this essay about _the big chill_ written by lena dunham–i don’t really know anything about her, but this essay really resonated with me on the ever-fascinating subject of nostalgia, coming of age and friendships.  it made me think of the friendships i made in my 20s, the friends i had as a teen, the community we used to share and how it’s all exploded out into these little fragments now.  i am no more a hub in a wheel now than gary king in _the world’s end_, not that i was every “the king”, but there was a time when i was at least in the middle of my own circle and not just on the edges.

it’s all very melancholy in my head right now, but to every ebb there is a flow and i’m still alive.  my connections are more diffuse now, but they exist.  i need to figure out how to live out in the world and not up in my head or lost in my past, let alone the past of fictional characters.

perhaps i can’t get no satisfaction because to give it to me would be rewarding poor grammar.

in other news, i’m home from a visit up north that had its ups and downs, though not to the degree i was hoping, perhaps.  still. 

long, smoky, unpleasant drive home from humboldt.  at some points around laytonville, the smoke was so thick i actually expected to be seeing fire, though thankfully i didn’t.  then some unknown problem caused traffic to stop about five miles north of willits and we went about three car lengths every time we finally moved a little, which was about every three to five minutes.  the napster was a trouper, but the air quality, heat and the fact he was in a cat carrier in a car for several hours does tend to take a toll.

came home to a three day or quit eviction notice from my landlords, who apparently haven’t received the check i mailed a week ago today, 7/28.  awesome.  this means i drive to oakland to deliver it tomorrow…because you know how much i fucking love to randomly drive to oakland…and it’s so stressful, every time they give me those damn notices!  they slap one on my door on the 2nd, even if they receive my check on the 2nd, which totally feels like harassment.  i’ve rented for more than twenty years and i’ve never had anyone even act like my rent was late until the 5th! 

plus, yeah, there’s still all that death certificate crap to iron out…so here is a quick barbaric yawp of self pity, to get it out of my system:

no one appreciates me and everyone is harshing my mellow when i’m just trying to get on with things, get lucky and get over it.