alone at last

April 21, 2011

on an average workday, left to my own devices, i will spend sixteen and a half hours alone–basically any time that i’m not at work.  i am completely in love with my own company, so, you know, it’s not like i’m pathetic or anything.   i spend more time alone than most people i know, but i rarely get bored or lonely.  of course, i spend a lot of time wasted, too. 

in any case, one of the things about my job that just wears me out is the number of people i have to deal with every day–i mean, last week it was 35 kids every hour, at least, for 7 hours straight, plus however many adults in the mix…it’s seriously exhausting for me to just have that many people around all the time, even if i don’t actually have to interact with them, directly, and i pretty much deal with every single person who sets foot in the library, for good or bad. 

people are just not my best thing all the time.

so, world–don’t take it personally if it seems like i’d rather stay home in my apartment alone than go to your function…i probably really like you, but i’m just tired of being with people for a while.

well, that was different

April 16, 2011

i don’t get around much, anymore.

of course, i never really have, but whatever…and. when i do go out, it’s to the 3300 club, so dapper old brazilian guys buy me drinks and flatter me, but it’s not like i have to do more than nod and smile.  tonight i went out to cafe du nord with some coworker friends and i believe that two separate men were quite smitten with me and a third i just don’t want to mention because it’s got that unmentionableness to it.  weird.  too much pressure, but it’s what i have to start doing if i don’t want to seriously live alone for the rest of my life.  of course, we all know how much i love living alone…

i am maudlin

April 13, 2011

 i’m not good at grieving, even though i’ve been doing it a long time. 

it’s messy and it catches up with me unexpectedly and chokes me, sometimes, even though it’s been 18 years now since my dad died.  i miss jeffrey almost every day.  i think of judy and i can’t believe that she’s just gone from my life.  i think about that moment when anubis leaned toward me after dr. bolivar gave her the shot and it hurts so much.

 there have been a lot of deaths in my life–my father, my friends, my pets, all gone from me forever.  it used to be that i had more of this in my life than most of my friends, but they’re starting to catch up with me now that i’m older, not that it makes it any better or worse for any of us.   we all lose people we love and it’s hard and, while it might not help, it makes sense how much it hurts to lose someone.

when famous people die, perhaps i note their passing with interest, but rarely with much emotion.  generally i feel sad or sorry for their families–the people they have left behind who are feeling the way i felt when my dad died, basically.  liz taylor, tony curtis, cary grant…i was sad in that “end of an era” way, but the era was really already over.  even when  kurt vonnegut died, it didn’t preoccupy my thoughts.  he had a good run, and i assume he probably dealt with death in a vonnegut way and that comforts me.

there were two exceptions to my celebrity-deaths-don’t-impact-me rule–bryan harvey and adrienne shelley.

bryan harvey, half of the band the house of freaks, was brutally murdered with his wife and two small children on new year’s day, 2006, for no reason that i could ever figure out–it seemed a random crime.  they were apparently all tied to chairs in the basement of their home and their throats were cut and i can’t stop fixating on how awful that must of been…who was killed first, father or children?  how do you bear something so unbearable? and johnny hott, the other half of the band, had to discover them when he went over to the house for a party. for a while i actually had to stop listening to house of freaks because i would get so upset, even though i’ve been listening to the albums pretty steadily from the late 80s on.  i’m past that point now and i listen again, but it still just breaks my heart to think of it.

adrienne shelly i loved from hal hartley’s early films.  she’d been working for a long time and (i hesitate to use the word) ironically achieved her greatest success with _waitress_, which she wrote, directed and played an awesome supporting character in, a film that got going right when she was gone.  she was a tiny little thing, too, and the thought that she was murdered by some totally random construction worker in her apartment building is just so pointless and it tears at me sometimes.  it’s not like i spent a lot of time thinking about her when she was alive, but i think of her now at odd times and i can’t get the unfairness out of my head.

i think i have a new celebrity death to be sad about now.  LK madigan was a young adult author who published two books, the first being _flash burnout_, realistic fiction about personal interactions, friendship and responsibility that i read last year, and the last being _the mermaid’s mirror_, a beautifully written, hauntingly mournful fairy tale of the sea that i just now finished and that made me start thinking about all this stuff because i couldn’t quit crying.  madigan wasn’t murdered, but she up and got cancer and died so quickly just a couple months ago…i read the acknowledgements at the back of the book and see so much love and hope and such a future and it just makes me feel so overwhelmed by grief for this person i don’t even know and the lost potential for a happy life and a prosperous career and growing old with her husband, her son, all of that.

death is a tricky issue for most of us, i imagine, and no one really knows for sure what it means, though i’m pretty sure it just means things are over.  adrienne shelly described herself as an “optimistic agnostic” and i think i would aspire to that if i thought i could get there.  i imagine people who believe in god or some afterlife or something probably have an easier time dealing with this sort of thing–even if there is no god, they get that comfort of belief while they’re alive, that sustaining faith, and when they’re dead it doesn’t matter if they were wrong.

how do i manufacture me some of that?

not to other people, mind you–to them it’s been weird for quite a while–i mean it’s getting weird here on the inside.  like, maybe this is it…and i’m happy in my life and all that, but who wouldn’t choose to be in love if there were really a choice in the matter?

i am divided into parts of  “i can do anything i want at any time i feel like doing it” and  “how long would it take people to even notice i was gone?”…not equal parts, for sure, but i’m starting to feel more and more on the side that this isn’t a lifestyle choice i’ve made, this is the result of me being so flawed that no one loves me.  that is not a side that needs encouragement!

so!

something obviously needs to change.

i think it’s fairly clear that i am unlikely to suddenly have some transformation of looks, so i’d best focus on behavior and actually leaving my freakin’ apartment now and again, even if my apartment is the most wonderful place on earth.  not a lot of date-able outsider traffic, for one thing.  okay.  outgoing!  for realsy!

i’ve been thinking i should give an old guy a try, since i’m too old to date the age i like any more…of course, in my mental landscape, “old guy” is probably someone just my age.  the horror, the horror, etc.  honestly, though, despite my brave attempt to keep up appearances, i am not turning away anyone for age restrictions or any other point, but, you know, i still get positive response from the nice men on the street in the mission, so i don’t feel completely unloved.

ah, well.  it’s all a process best left to some other time than post-closing at the bar.  this is a time for easter candy and video games, not reflection upon the last lewd comment i got from passing vehicle!

ah…spring break!

April 2, 2011

i know everyone is sick to death of the rain around here, but i sort of like it…and i have to say this hazy morning is matching my mood.  i feel like pajamas and “the adventures of pete and pete”, and i wouldn’t mind it at all if the rain started up again, though i’ll refrain from hoping in deference to the feelings of my peers.

in any case, once i give up the pajamas idea,  i need to clean up all the random stuff i threw in my bedroom to make my living room presentable to the work ladies yesterday.  i love the idea of spring break stretching out in front of me because i can actually sort some things and really get them organized–spring cleaning.  i have so much stuff…it gets overwhelming, but it all serves a purpose in the delicate ecosystem of the apartment.  sometimes a good re-sifting is like a new lease on life.