anniversary.

October 30, 2014

i’m glad the giants won–hard to be too sad when the city is whooping and thrilled–and maureen did love our giants.

weird day of walking around, wondering about who else was thinking of the date today, wondering if they are being tactful or just oblivious.

not that it matters.

it’s really just another day, after all.  thinking too much about the passage of time just makes it even more surreal–too fast, too slow, caring too much, too little, grief that builds and that just ebbs away.  it’s just another day.

i dusted all her special things and straightened up her photo that was slipping down–when i shoved it in the frame, i just couldn’t be that precise, but i made it a little nicer now.  i pulled some things forward and moved others back.  i thought about moving her across the room with my other dead friends, but i think she is going to stay where she is for a while yet.

maureen would like to be over by jeffrey, though.  he’d hate her for being so young and cute, but i bet they could have some fun.

but not yet.

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high and fine and free

October 26, 2014

the pixies–i can’t forget

i loved the pixies from their beginning and leonard cohen almost from my beginning and certainly this song since it first came out, but…damn.  this morning in the shower, it hit me in a much more personal way.

in a couple days it’ll be the one year anniversary of maureen’s death, and i’ve done a lot of mental and emotional rearranging in that time to get myself through all that stuff that we have to get through when a friend dies, along with a side of special suicide grief.  i can think back on certain things and try not to think back too often on others.  that mental filing job isn’t totally complete, of course, but main index is filling out.

i still miss her so much, every day.  every fucking day.  and i still get so angry with some people and so frustrated with myself and i wish i could give that up–i wouldn’t mind the missing her so much if i could get through the other thing.

birthday2011

i’ve loved all his YA books since i first read _uglies_, though some i love more than others.  ahem.

i wasn’t sure from reading a synopsis of _afterworlds_ if i would like it–it didn’t have any spark and it didn’t sound like anything i would care about, but that’s what he’s so good at–making me care about *everyone* in his books, from heroes to villains and back again.  his writing has immediate pull, and i was glad (relatively) to have all that ridiculous airport and plane time to spend just sitting and reading and immersing myself in the two worlds.

i went into it with the nervousness i always have when i have a friend who makes something–i am so relieved to be able to love it sincerely!

home!

October 14, 2014

portland was a perfect vacation to just recharge my batteries.  my ridiculously delayed flight out made for an irritable start, but it was so renewing to spend time with old friends in a friendly city.

portland was great, but i’m glad to be home.

some time in 2003…

October 8, 2014

i haven’t kept a paper daily diary since video killed the radio star and i began online journal-keeping on harpy.net back in the late ’90s.  actually before that, i suppose, as the nature of living with another person always inhibited the amount i wrote, but for the sake of this digression, we’ll say i replaced paper with online and then realized that no matter how unfair it was, the world wasn’t going to respect my right to have a life as long as i was a teacher, so that sort of petered out, too.  in any case, all my paper journals for the last 15 years or so are randomly written in, sometimes undated, usually written on muni or while waiting for something to happen.

i find them squirreled around in the apartment every once in a while and just grabbed one randomly to read while napoleon was sitting on my lap and i was sitting on the hall floor–this entry particularly cracked me up:

“there is something so fucking precious about these little kids–the eager look on their faces for a chance to slam into someone else.  it’s like they didn’t miss out at all.  the smell of fabric softener and no booze.”

i really have no idea what that was all about, but i think “the smell of fabric softener and no booze” might make a very thought-provoking and word-rich title for a NANOWRIMO project.