you know how boring old married couples have “date night”?  i think i’m going to institute that in my own, very very single, life.  one night a week, i’ll show myself a good time…clean in the afternoon, make an actual meal, watch something artsy or edifying and then let the evening go where it might.  ahem.  put the dew back on the rose, maybe.  treat me right.

i respond well to schedules and horribly to discipline and denying myself anything i want, so, you know, i’ve got that little conflict to work out, but maybe i could at least try it out.  at this point i live a little too often like a savage hermit. i do anything i want any time i want, and too often fail to make the most basic effort to impress myself.  i deserve better!

summer vacation is a good time to make a change.



May 6, 2011

this is just not  the best sort of week, but i’ve certainly had worse and at least it’s almost over…i think i’ll be giving alice’s mom a call tomorrow afternoon and indulge in my favorite friday afternoon rituals, which involve me, a pizza and not talking to anyone else until saturday afternoon.

thinking about things semi-rationally this afternoon, i’m pretty sure i can’t actually be fired because i have tenure…so the pretty-much-worst thing would be me getting put back in the classroom, at which point i guess i could do that for a year while figuring out what the fuck i’m going to do next.  i shouldn’t have to suddenly pack up and move this summer, so it’s not like this roller coaster vomit fest of stress is doing anyone any good.  might as well just power through to the end of school and relish summer as much as ever.  i can do a little research on where i might want to live if the subject comes up during the summer.  my mom offered to move with me anywhere i wanted, which was sweet, but also a little pathetic.  i was thinking we’d have to figure out how to move her this summer, but maybe i should just take the two-for-one deal and sign on early for the crazy cat lady brigade.

but…that decision is for another day. 

for now i’m just going to play a few video games, read, play with the cat a bit and then hit the sack–enjoy my version of the good life and not think too much about tomorrow.

sometimes i feel san francisco is like the 8th grade dance in _dazed and confused_–if i leave, i won’t ever be able to come back. but am i “gettin’ there”?  why do i even want to stay here?

i love living here because it’s cool, basically.  i’ve got art museums and places to eat and an apartment with awesome ambient noise and great light and it’s my life…but what if i lose my job?  could i find another and afford to stay here? i can’t even afford to stay here now!   i’m over 40 and still living like a college student, basically, never having any money, paycheck to paycheck, renting, getting further into debt, being at the mercy of my crazy landlady’s whims…maybe i should just be proactive and look for a job elsewhere and leave this place.  maybe if i moved someplace smaller again, i could make friends, find love, buy a house and grow up already…or maybe i’d just be in some little shit town, still broke and even more alone…

part of me thinks that i’ll never make a move until i have to–my whole life basically has led me to where i am now.  i went to school, got a good job, went back to school and got my perfect job and now i have it.  that’s cool, right?  but i bet i could get another job somewhere that would probably be okay.  i mean, i’m smart, educated and experienced–what more would they want?  oh, yeah, some money to pay my paycheck.  that’s lacking in a world that doesn’t exactly appreciate things like public education and good libraries.  sure, they’ll be sorry when this generation of ignorant, uncultured jerks is running things, but it’s too late then, isn’t it?

god, i hope i don’t lose my job.  maybe it would be the best thing to ever happen to me, but i sure as hell hope it doesn’t happen to me.