crampety cramp cramp

in a less philosophical vent, i am so fucking sick of these ridiculously miserable menstrual cramps!  i’m about ready to take my mom’s advice and get all that crap scooped out of there, just so i don’t have to waste my time curled up into a ball trying to find the most comfortable position in an un-winable situation.  😦

is it dishonest to act nicer than you feel, or is that the right thing to do?

i want and try to be a nice person, but it doesn’t always work.  i can *act* like a nice person, but i’m not always feeling that way on the inside…but does that matter?  i mean, i’m a bad seed!  i’m writhing and seething with anger and frustration and i’m bitter and full of sour grapes all the time and i can’t seem to help it, but i do try not to just make everyone else’s scene more unpleasant—which i figure makes me sort-of good, even if i’m rotten on the inside.  right?

yesterday i met a friend of mine to shop and hang out and we basically ended up doing her errands and i didn’t do any shopping at all…which wasn’t a big deal so, you know, why be unpleasant?  but it’s not like i loved it…i would have rather we shopped somewhere we could both look at things–i need school clothes and such–and baby things are not my main interest in life by a long shot, but i know she needs and wants to do these things, so i assure her it doesn’t matter and this is fine and it’s fun to hang out with her, which seems the nice thing to do, but not exactly honest.  still, if i’d said “god, i cannot look at one more baby outfit!” it would have hurt her feelings and made her feel bad which would have then made me feel bad, so, you know, no one wins.

acting friendly

i have to make such an effort, sometimes, to just go out…but, once i get there, i usually get all sparkly,  like someone who likes people.  i make conversation, tell funny stories about school, ask questions like i’m a talk show host and flatter people like mad.  it’s weird–i think i revert to my retail training, more or less, and i’m pretty good at it, but it’s more like i’m on stage than living life.  i’m winning friends and influencing people, but never connecting with them.  not sure what to do about that.