if you’re just tuning in, this is not something i normally do. not something i would fucking ever do, honestly, given the opportunity to offer an alternative…but it was a lot of fun and i could almost say that i learned something about myself.

it’s sad how we embarrass people out of enjoying themselves: dancing a prime example. all is well and good for the aphorisms about dancing like no one’s watching, but unless you’re a person unfamiliar with the various cruel criticisms of smirk, eye-roll and occasional straight up mean comments, i don’t know how anyone manages it. the best i can do is to act like i’m dancing like i think no one is watching, which is a lot to concentrate on while also moving around in a rhythmic way. it’s just easier not to go dancing.

dancing is for people who are confident in ways that i am not confident–it really bundles in all kinds of my fat/ugly/awkward/uncoolness anxiety and puts it out there in such a public way that i have a hard time having fun because it makes me so self-conscious. last night i danced all fucking night and it was fun! it’s not like i was suddenly any better a dancer (though it’s hard to go wrong with music that has such a strong beat), it’s that when i’m with angelique, i just can’t be self-conscious. all the consciousness has to go to her and it’s liberating. it’s easy to think that no one is judging me because i’m playing a part in this big show and it just flips a switch so that i see not only just how fat, ugly, awkward and uncool a good chunk of the population is but how awesome i am and how lucky to be a part of this ridiculous joie de vivre. i certainly couldn’t handle it every night, though!

ever since i was a kid i’ve tried to get over caring what people think or say about me and particularly about my looks. but wanting and trying to get over it isn’t really the same as getting over it. i’m embarrassed to buy a mirror in a store and every time i cross the street i basically expect someone to yell out “move it fatty” or something–and i know how ludicrous that is and i love myself a lot in most ways, but there you go! it sucks that the way other people treat us when we’re young has such an impact.

i wish i could always feel as free from that as i did last night.

actually, my whole mess of a crush over the last month has been very educational. up until this point, it was sort of theoretical on my part that i had gained some confidence. even though i didn’t get the boy–or maybe because of it–i now have proof that i am stronger. it’s a good thing. and it’s good that i went out two fridays in a row…though i’m pretty sure it’ll be home for an early evening tonight!

so sad.

September 13, 2012

i just decided to pull the plug on porn-by-numbers…it was never really about me making my fortune or anything, but now that BUST magazine has fucked me over again, it’s not any fun anymore, either.  it’s just an irritation.

so, fuck you, bust magazine!  you don’t answer my emails, you disrespect my work and you ruin something made in the spirit of fun–i would have given it to you for free.  why did you have to steal it?