school was full of pretty awesome costumes–a good year for kids and cristian wore my vintage leopard velvet coat and some ears his daughter sent him to school with, which was unexpected. not a bad day.

met ben after school for cocktails and got a burrito on the way home.  i think i’ll watch the sentinel tonight!

two years tonight.

October 30, 2015

maureen is still such a part of my life, even being gone two years now. there are so many things i’d like to tell her and so many things that would make her laugh her ass off.
god, i miss her.
with her volatile personality and our age differences, who knows if we would still be close if she were still alive–maybe we were destined to only be in that particular time together, but destiny is a load of crap and she’s not around so any second guessing is pointless. whatever. she’s gone.
but it’s easier to live my life and i don’t cry nearly so much, now. sometimes it surprises me, how strong the grief still is, but it’s only sometimes. jeff dying earlier this month certainly put me back in the space–every new death is every death.
high school friend, my disciple, my librarian role model, my sweet, ridiculous jeffrey, my dad.
always back to that one. 25 years ago, for him, and his birthday next month.
fuck.
but i’m still tickin’. life is pretty good–no one has tried to budget my job to death in the last year or so, and the library is totally rockin’ it. my mom’s close now, up in petaluma, so that’s making things easier and i think it’s nice for her.   i have a little romance going on, and that’s always pleasant.
there is always more good than bad. it’s worth it to keep going because i want to, not just because i must, which is good to remember.
two years.

i’ve been meaning to check in for a while, but i just haven’t had a lot to say.

things are okay.

it’s a good school year, so far.  i’ve got a pretty awesome wardrobe and a sharp haircut, so, you know, that’s nice.  i’m a fashion role model for a little sophomore girl, even.   i feel more myself and more confident again, which is also good, but fairly unremarkable.

anyway, death.

one of my friends from high school and junior high died last week.  i hadn’t seen him in twenty years, i’m sure, but we’d recently chatted a bit on facebook and we still just clicked.  shared a sense of the absurd in humor and life, the same as we had when we were young.  sometimes he’d randomly come by my mom’s house, often fucked up on something, and we’d talk about stuff, life.  his dad loved me and he said one night that he always said he should have a nice girlfriend like me, but we never did that.  we just hung out.

and now he’s gone.

i don’t know what happened yet and it’s so crass to ask, but i hope it was an accident and not on purpose, just fucking bad luck or bad genes or whatever–i don’t know if it would have made a difference to me before maureen, but it does now.

whatever.

it’s sad.  really really sad.

but i’m okay.  i’ll be okay.