this has been quite a year…and then some.

April 14, 2018

i’m disgusted by the state of national and local politics, but that’s just background stress to the personal.  my mother’s health has been quite bad and i spent all my summer and most of my free time–and not free time that i had to free up–up in petaluma, at various hospitals, rehab facilities and my mom’s apartment.  it’s stressful and physically exhausting and i am not getting any outside support–it’s just me to figure things out.  the lack of communication from my sister is also hurtful and confusing, but i can’t even unpack that one–i can just do what i can for my mom.

my own health has also suffered, and i had a very scary TIA at work last month–one of those “mini-strokes”.  i felt like a bright light was shining in my eye and things just didn’t feel right…then i realized that i couldn’t remember my address.  then i realized that i couldn’t read–that i knew what letters were, but i couldn’t sound out simple words.

it was terrifying.

of course i didn’t go to the doctor, but stayed at school until 9pm because it was “open house” and the only people who came to see me were my assistant’s wife and daughter.  the next day, after my doctor freaked out on me, i am still at school because my assistant is out with a bad cold–i’m getting more and more anxious about everything, so finally decide i have to leave school early.  i’m in my office and students are outside the library door screaming, “i see her!  she’s in there!” which didn’t do a lot of good toward me NOT having a stroke.  thankfully CT scan and MRI show no permanent damage or bleeding in the brain and i just finished a month of heart monitoring yesterday, so we’ll see what they say about that.  as i’m dealing with all this stress and stress-induced illness, my school basically set me up to have so much additional, unnecessary stress that was based solely on other people not planning that i spent two weeks constantly on the verge of tears, feeling so betrayed that no one in that school or district has my back, though i was almost literally killing myself for them.

i’m going to try not to do that anymore.

this is the end of spring break now and we have about six more weeks of school.  i am incredibly relieved to have the heart monitor off and i hope that the nasty burned-looking abrasions from the electrodes will heal soon and i can forget all about it.  my mom’s health is doing better and i hope we can have a summer of enjoying things instead of all the awfulness of last summer…though i know it’s just a matter of time before we have to think about how we can move her to the “next step” of whatever keeps us going.  it’s going to be difficult, no matter what it is.

i am disturbed that i feel so adrift and betrayed by my school–i’ve been there twenty years and i’ve always loved that school, even in the bad times, but the bad times are getting so bad and it is so clear that they don’t really value me, even with all i try to do there.  i should try to think practically and look for another library, another place less ridiculous to live than san francisco, a school less intent on killing me–or at least willing to pay me a little more for the opportunity.  i should do these things, but i’m not sure i will.  i love my library, and it takes a lot to give up something i made for something so uncertain…though is it going to be less scary when i’m even older and more broken?

anyway, that’s the update, in a nutshell.

i’m still alive.


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