stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

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