stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

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moving forward

November 8, 2013

did i mention that i forgot my fucking ATM pin?  you know, the one i’ve used practically every day for the last year or more? and, yesterday, as i was leaving the house to bring jimmy’s keys to him, i shut the gate behind me and just stood there because i couldn’t remember where i was going.  so, yeah, things are still tough, but time is passing.

maureen’s grandpa came in yesterday and gave me everyone’s keys and such to redistribute, and we talked for a while.  tomorrow i’m going back down to the apartment to help the claire bag up all the clothes to take to charity.  saturday we’re going to take care of the bed and stuff and then it’ll basically be all done but the shoutin’.

had a drink and a snack with a retired and a current coworker from the high school this afternoon.  it involved a little misting up, but i don’t think i totally lost it, so that’s good, right?  and when kathy came to my office to pick up her key…well, yeah, that wasn’t just misting up, i totally cried when i said i was “okay” and she said i didn’t look okay.  i don’t think she meant i was ugly, but, either way, i cried.

i guess i’m not surprised, because people say things like this and i read about it a lot and all that, but i just don’t understand all the anger toward maureen for doing this.  i am almost inconsolably sad about this happening, but i understand that she did what she thought she needed to do and i am happy that she is not suffering any more. i think it was unkind of her, not leaving her grandpa and family a specific note just for them.  i feel badly that i got three or four and they got nothing–that’s just mean.  but, since she’s not alive for a mild chastisement about being a nicer person, whatever.  i was angry and hurt last month when she originally planned to do this because she shut me out and wouldn’t talk to me, but we worked it out.

but a lot of people are very angry…at the fact that she would do this, at the way she went about it, because they think it’s wrong, i guess.   i don’t really know.

i certainly have nothing i need to FORGIVE her for and i am not angry.

i am just sad.  lonely.  disturbed that i can’t eat or sleep more than tiny amounts.  wondering what i’m going to do with all the time i spent with her and who i can share with the things i used to share with her.  i worry that i’m going to close up again and cut myself off from people.  i’m trying to let my friends take care of me and they have been amazing, but i know it’s easy for me to get isolated and when grief isn’t the flavor of the month, my other friends will need to take up their other lives again.

maybe i need a new hobby.

maureen

November 3, 2013

maureen was young and smart and funny and beautiful and almost always game to try something fun. we met when she was working at the high school, but she was also a student there, just not one of mine.  one of the idiotic admin from a couple years ago sent out an email about graduation gowns, wanting to know “masters and disciples” instead of disciplines and she was my disciple from then on. we loved to make fun of auto correct and had a ton of stupid word things we would say that were a collection of so many movies we’d watched together, so much television, video games, everything.

i’ve always been like that with people i spend a lot of time with–we develop those references–but i haven’t been close with anyone like that in a long time. i’m going to miss that more than almost anything else, i think.  other than romantically, she was just totally my partner, particularly for the last year. she saw me through my surgery this summer. it was nice knowing i always had a go-to person to take me to a stupid colonoscopy. not that tons of you wouldn’t do that for me. i get that. but you know what it is to have a partner.

she was also young and depressed and dramatic and unable to enjoy a lot of things enough, i guess.  she would replay our fun times over and over, the way she would her obsessively replayed playlists and i wonder if she didn’t suck the life out of it so desperately, just not thinking there would be more?  she wore them out?  i don’t know.  i certainly run out of eloquence in this realm.  i gave her as many tangible, physical things that i could that showed i loved her when i wasn’t there.  i made her blankets and things.  sent postcards, made her those bunny slippers.  being loved couldn’t be enough inside there.  she was just still sad and it was so hard for her to just keep going and so she stopped.

that’s really okay with me, in the abstract, because it means she’s not suffering through this anymore.  but it is awful because i had so much else i wanted to show her and share with her.  every moment i think of something else and it’s like the stabbing pain i get when i think that my dad will never walk me down the aisle when i get married…let alone that i never wanted to get married in the first place.  it’s just the gone-ness.  the grief.  the fact that it will just never happen and *I* will never have this thing, as much as that they are gone.  selfish love and grief.  it’s not pretty, but so it goes.

leave no man behind

September 19, 2013

i’ve lost so many people in my life, in so many ways.  death, disagreement, bad luck, no reason at all.  few people have ever lost me, though they occasionally forget where i am.

i leave no man behind.

i am always fucking there for you, even when i think it probably isn’t good for me and i said i wouldn’t do it anymore because that’s what i do.  i never really break up with anyone, no matter how shabbily they might treat me.  if they need me i will always be there, even if they only need me to help them move or something.

i really can’t tell if this is a flaw in my character or something that i should be proud of, loyalty or low self-esteem, forgiveness or loneliness. 

i hope it’s kindness.