stupid mortality.

May 31, 2016

i’m having a hard time alternating with numbness.  i get to the edge and back away again, and when i back away, it’s like i can’t feel anything and i wonder if i really care about anyone in this world.  when i’m at the edge, all i can think is how much i care and how alone i feel.

my aunt has come down with serious, fast-moving cancer.  this is sad enough, but my uncle has had a couple strokes and has been heading into dementia, so that’s a wrinkle, there, and because of my aunt, now my mom can’t ignore her brother’s decline and i can’t stop thinking that when my mom dies, i am going to be so fucking alone in the world.

yes, i have friends.  yes, i have other family.  yes, i have a cat.  yes, my mother is often a pain in my ass…but she’s there for me, at least as much as she can be, and i don’t have anyone else in my life that i can really count on to be there for me.  they might want to be there for me, but i don’t know if they can be–they’ve got their own lives, and i am on the outside.  i am a wonderful garnish to their lives, a spritely carrot rose, a good mind, a good person, a good friend, but separate.  when i’m not in front of them, they have a life that is complete.  when i am in front of them, i might make that life better, and they love me, but i don’t know that they would seek me out if i wasn’t right there.   i think i would be forgotten and it just makes me feel very sad.

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funny and sad.

January 9, 2014

tonight i watched _we’re the millers_.  i’d seen it and really enjoyed it with maureen when it came out–it wasn’t the last movie we saw together or anything (that must have been _gravity_), just a fun time we shared, something that made us laugh and that we referred back to…forever, i guess.  for as long as we had.  anyway, it was kind of like stopping for mitchell’s ice cream the other night on the way home.  everything can’t be a funeral all the time,  everything happy shouldn’t always be sad, and the longer i don’t do things, the more they associate and get more and more epic.

_we’re the millers_ isn’t epic.  it’s just funny.  i laughed and i cried, and i’ll see it again and again.

i miss her so much.

take the long way home

December 26, 2013

this year i’ve been such a sad bastard that i didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with my family at christmas.  i didn’t want to just sit around and cry with my cousin, which is, of course, EXACTLY what i want to do, so i just ran up christmas eve day and came home again today, christmas day, via scenic jenny lind road and milton and farmington and escalon.  i cruised in front of the high school, but it looks foreign to me.  i drove by madame baymiller-with-the-cats’s house and walked around at dent for a while–no more swings.

i was so sad.  i am so sad.  i should be so sad.

it’s not even been two months and i feel like i’m just coming to my grief new every day, every time i see someone who mirrors that pain in my eyes.

betty ambushed me as soon as i walked into the 33.  i thought i could wear tight jeans and a little mascara, even, and have some fun, but i get to be all blotchy and cry first thing.  people are so kind and i want to just be gracious, but i hurt.  it hurts too much.  it’s so hard to just say “thank you for your concern” and not fucking disintegrate with every casual glance.  but people loved her and love me and we are together and it is just another day.  what’s a little mascara?

play the jukebox, drink and talk.  this is how it is.

went out tonight with a couple of friends for tapas and strolling around galleries and the hot chocolate that comes in tiny cups and is like drinking hot chocolate pudding to celebrate my birthday.  a lovely evening!  we had these thinly sliced grilled artichokes that were amazing, some potatoes and mushrooms and things at picaro on 16th, then walked to viracocha to look at stuff and meandered up and down valencia to look at galleries and such in the not-awful mist.  we stopped at dandelion chocolate for the amazing european drinking chocolate–hot chocolate pudding in a shot glass and one of the best things ever.  last night i was there and got the mission hot chocolate, a wonderful spicy-spicy frothy traditional hot chocolate and tony got the european and i was jealous, so this was extra satisfying.

anyway, good food, good art, good company, good chocolate.  a good birthday, all around.

but.

it’s still a hard thing, to not have her here to share this with, the cat birthday cards, my outfit,  the hot chocolate pudding cup, the fact that they’re remodeling and fancying up the mission mickey ds.

my birthday. 

everything. 

it’s still a hard thing, but people have been really amazing and supportive and caring to me, more than i expected.  i am grateful and happy and sad and–

completely freezing-ass cold.  fuck the environment and my pg&e bill–it’s my birthday and i’m running the heat until i can unclench my muscles a little.  nigh-nigh.

unreal

October 30, 2013

my friend killed herself last night.  my best friend.  the one i email twenty times every day.  the one i see several times a week for media and substance consumption.  i need to know what happened, for sure, but i don’t even know who to ask.  it’s not real until somebody tells me, but i have to ask to make it happen and i just don’t want to.

i am so, so sad.

leave no man behind

September 19, 2013

i’ve lost so many people in my life, in so many ways.  death, disagreement, bad luck, no reason at all.  few people have ever lost me, though they occasionally forget where i am.

i leave no man behind.

i am always fucking there for you, even when i think it probably isn’t good for me and i said i wouldn’t do it anymore because that’s what i do.  i never really break up with anyone, no matter how shabbily they might treat me.  if they need me i will always be there, even if they only need me to help them move or something.

i really can’t tell if this is a flaw in my character or something that i should be proud of, loyalty or low self-esteem, forgiveness or loneliness. 

i hope it’s kindness.