ugh.

June 28, 2016

car stress, which is really money stress, is not something we need right now.  not something anyone ever needs, of course, but i have enough existential angst going on as it is–the idea that i’ve just paid $1400 to repair my mom’s car–basically more than it is worth–and we’ll still have to buy her a different car on top of that because this’ll just keep her limping along until we can figure something else out.

ugh.

i haven’t even paid off my car (that i hate) yet, but now i’m going to try to absorb another car payment?  and my rent goes up next month, of course.  it’s just exhausting, all on top of a grief sandwich of worrying about my aunt and uncle.

i picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

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killing time.

April 24, 2016

spring is springing up all over the place and i’m killing time ’til summer.  school is fine, though i do occasionally despair of our future, thinking some of these little nippers will be running things when i get old and broken, but there are enough good ones to make up for the annoyances of immature high school kids.  for every annoying jerk there are ten average kids and probably half of an outstanding kid to balance out the equation–still more good than bad, even on a bad day.

i suppose that’s about the same as san francisco–it sucks to feel under constant scrutiny by my landlords, looking for a way to boot me, it sucks to see the city swallowed up by soulless assholes who don’t even really live here, since they spend so much of their time taking their private land yachts down to their tech playgrounds of the south, but, still–more good than bad.

i’ll keep hanging on.

went out tonight with a couple of friends for tapas and strolling around galleries and the hot chocolate that comes in tiny cups and is like drinking hot chocolate pudding to celebrate my birthday.  a lovely evening!  we had these thinly sliced grilled artichokes that were amazing, some potatoes and mushrooms and things at picaro on 16th, then walked to viracocha to look at stuff and meandered up and down valencia to look at galleries and such in the not-awful mist.  we stopped at dandelion chocolate for the amazing european drinking chocolate–hot chocolate pudding in a shot glass and one of the best things ever.  last night i was there and got the mission hot chocolate, a wonderful spicy-spicy frothy traditional hot chocolate and tony got the european and i was jealous, so this was extra satisfying.

anyway, good food, good art, good company, good chocolate.  a good birthday, all around.

but.

it’s still a hard thing, to not have her here to share this with, the cat birthday cards, my outfit,  the hot chocolate pudding cup, the fact that they’re remodeling and fancying up the mission mickey ds.

my birthday. 

everything. 

it’s still a hard thing, but people have been really amazing and supportive and caring to me, more than i expected.  i am grateful and happy and sad and–

completely freezing-ass cold.  fuck the environment and my pg&e bill–it’s my birthday and i’m running the heat until i can unclench my muscles a little.  nigh-nigh.