went out tonight with a couple of friends for tapas and strolling around galleries and the hot chocolate that comes in tiny cups and is like drinking hot chocolate pudding to celebrate my birthday.  a lovely evening!  we had these thinly sliced grilled artichokes that were amazing, some potatoes and mushrooms and things at picaro on 16th, then walked to viracocha to look at stuff and meandered up and down valencia to look at galleries and such in the not-awful mist.  we stopped at dandelion chocolate for the amazing european drinking chocolate–hot chocolate pudding in a shot glass and one of the best things ever.  last night i was there and got the mission hot chocolate, a wonderful spicy-spicy frothy traditional hot chocolate and tony got the european and i was jealous, so this was extra satisfying.

anyway, good food, good art, good company, good chocolate.  a good birthday, all around.

but.

it’s still a hard thing, to not have her here to share this with, the cat birthday cards, my outfit,  the hot chocolate pudding cup, the fact that they’re remodeling and fancying up the mission mickey ds.

my birthday. 

everything. 

it’s still a hard thing, but people have been really amazing and supportive and caring to me, more than i expected.  i am grateful and happy and sad and–

completely freezing-ass cold.  fuck the environment and my pg&e bill–it’s my birthday and i’m running the heat until i can unclench my muscles a little.  nigh-nigh.

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thanksgiving

December 3, 2013

it was good to spend some time with my mom.  she’s having a hard time with losing maureen and a harder time watching me have to do it.  i told her that i need to have her hold on for a long time yet because i just can’t take it right now.  i hope that she’ll get to move down closer soon–she’s so tired of eureka and it would be nice to have less of a drive with the little man, though he was practically perfect in every way and traffic was better than it has been in years–i think i made it in four and a half hours on wednesday, which was fantastic.

 blah blah blah.

anyway.

helped my mom pack the china and some other things up and went to feed the sea gulls in that weird old town boat club area we like to go.  when we went with maureen, she got to not only feed gulls with us, but also a pelican.  that was a red letter day.

i read several good books over the long weekend that i’ll attempt to make some comments about in the upcoming days…_eleanor & park_, which is as lovely as everyone says, _home front girl_, a diary from a young girl in chicago, 1939 to the end of 1941…uh…and something else that i’ve already forgotten, but i’ll remember tomorrow, i’m sure.

okay.  back to school tomorrow.  short week!  my birthday coming up!  it’s still good!

 

gloomy.

November 21, 2013

obviously i’ve been moping around in general and feeling genuinely sad.  it’s not that interesting or introspective, so i’ve just been keeping most of it to myself.  i’m at that numb point when it isn’t worth it to think or write or care about anything.

i can’t even get up enough gumption to slam that tedious _gatsby_ baz lurhman thing.  man, way to make me hate a great work of literature!  all the poetry becomes trite and tedious in his hands.  nick seemed a holden caulfield type in the worst way.

okay, i had a little gumption.  i think the pizza i ate earlier gave me strength.

mean people suck.

November 9, 2013

let’s just try to avoid the people that make us feel bad. 

that’s one of those affirmations you always see going around and i’ve often ignored it because i feel like if i don’t put up with these people, i will be

completely

alone. 

that’s a little scary, particularly now that maureen is gone.  but i would rather be alone than with people i can’t trust. 

i try my fucking best every day to be REAL.  i try to be honest and to do the right thing–maybe a lot of the stuff that i like to do other people might think is wrong, but, you know, i just don’t do things *i* think of as wrong.

i try, but i don’t always succeed, of course.  i get all pissy and sometimes i just say things to make the world easier for a while and you know honest isn’t easy.  i’m not a superhero or anything and i don’t expect anyone else to be, either, but i just wish they would try a little harder to just…not be so fucking petty and  mean.

 

anger is confusing.

November 9, 2013

so many people are angry right now.

it’s so fucking funny that i was so angry with her when she didn’t do it and now that she did, i’m not mad at all.  that’s kind of fucked up sounding, but i think you’ll know what i mean.  it hurt me so much that she shut me out, didn’t tell me other than veiled allusions to what had happened, pushed me away and told me to worry about myself.   i was mad, but mostly just hurt, and i guess that’s what most of this is for people, too.  they’re hurt that she’d leave them.  i was hurt that she pulled away from me.  i guess it’s not so hard to understand.

moving forward

November 8, 2013

did i mention that i forgot my fucking ATM pin?  you know, the one i’ve used practically every day for the last year or more? and, yesterday, as i was leaving the house to bring jimmy’s keys to him, i shut the gate behind me and just stood there because i couldn’t remember where i was going.  so, yeah, things are still tough, but time is passing.

maureen’s grandpa came in yesterday and gave me everyone’s keys and such to redistribute, and we talked for a while.  tomorrow i’m going back down to the apartment to help the claire bag up all the clothes to take to charity.  saturday we’re going to take care of the bed and stuff and then it’ll basically be all done but the shoutin’.

had a drink and a snack with a retired and a current coworker from the high school this afternoon.  it involved a little misting up, but i don’t think i totally lost it, so that’s good, right?  and when kathy came to my office to pick up her key…well, yeah, that wasn’t just misting up, i totally cried when i said i was “okay” and she said i didn’t look okay.  i don’t think she meant i was ugly, but, either way, i cried.

i guess i’m not surprised, because people say things like this and i read about it a lot and all that, but i just don’t understand all the anger toward maureen for doing this.  i am almost inconsolably sad about this happening, but i understand that she did what she thought she needed to do and i am happy that she is not suffering any more. i think it was unkind of her, not leaving her grandpa and family a specific note just for them.  i feel badly that i got three or four and they got nothing–that’s just mean.  but, since she’s not alive for a mild chastisement about being a nicer person, whatever.  i was angry and hurt last month when she originally planned to do this because she shut me out and wouldn’t talk to me, but we worked it out.

but a lot of people are very angry…at the fact that she would do this, at the way she went about it, because they think it’s wrong, i guess.   i don’t really know.

i certainly have nothing i need to FORGIVE her for and i am not angry.

i am just sad.  lonely.  disturbed that i can’t eat or sleep more than tiny amounts.  wondering what i’m going to do with all the time i spent with her and who i can share with the things i used to share with her.  i worry that i’m going to close up again and cut myself off from people.  i’m trying to let my friends take care of me and they have been amazing, but i know it’s easy for me to get isolated and when grief isn’t the flavor of the month, my other friends will need to take up their other lives again.

maybe i need a new hobby.

maureen

November 3, 2013

maureen was young and smart and funny and beautiful and almost always game to try something fun. we met when she was working at the high school, but she was also a student there, just not one of mine.  one of the idiotic admin from a couple years ago sent out an email about graduation gowns, wanting to know “masters and disciples” instead of disciplines and she was my disciple from then on. we loved to make fun of auto correct and had a ton of stupid word things we would say that were a collection of so many movies we’d watched together, so much television, video games, everything.

i’ve always been like that with people i spend a lot of time with–we develop those references–but i haven’t been close with anyone like that in a long time. i’m going to miss that more than almost anything else, i think.  other than romantically, she was just totally my partner, particularly for the last year. she saw me through my surgery this summer. it was nice knowing i always had a go-to person to take me to a stupid colonoscopy. not that tons of you wouldn’t do that for me. i get that. but you know what it is to have a partner.

she was also young and depressed and dramatic and unable to enjoy a lot of things enough, i guess.  she would replay our fun times over and over, the way she would her obsessively replayed playlists and i wonder if she didn’t suck the life out of it so desperately, just not thinking there would be more?  she wore them out?  i don’t know.  i certainly run out of eloquence in this realm.  i gave her as many tangible, physical things that i could that showed i loved her when i wasn’t there.  i made her blankets and things.  sent postcards, made her those bunny slippers.  being loved couldn’t be enough inside there.  she was just still sad and it was so hard for her to just keep going and so she stopped.

that’s really okay with me, in the abstract, because it means she’s not suffering through this anymore.  but it is awful because i had so much else i wanted to show her and share with her.  every moment i think of something else and it’s like the stabbing pain i get when i think that my dad will never walk me down the aisle when i get married…let alone that i never wanted to get married in the first place.  it’s just the gone-ness.  the grief.  the fact that it will just never happen and *I* will never have this thing, as much as that they are gone.  selfish love and grief.  it’s not pretty, but so it goes.

leave no man behind

September 19, 2013

i’ve lost so many people in my life, in so many ways.  death, disagreement, bad luck, no reason at all.  few people have ever lost me, though they occasionally forget where i am.

i leave no man behind.

i am always fucking there for you, even when i think it probably isn’t good for me and i said i wouldn’t do it anymore because that’s what i do.  i never really break up with anyone, no matter how shabbily they might treat me.  if they need me i will always be there, even if they only need me to help them move or something.

i really can’t tell if this is a flaw in my character or something that i should be proud of, loyalty or low self-esteem, forgiveness or loneliness. 

i hope it’s kindness.

disappointment?

August 10, 2013

i don’t ever think that my father would be disappointed in me, but i think he would be disappointed for me, and sad that i’m alone.  the only boyfriend of mine he ever met he didn’t think much of, but i know it made him happy that i had someone.  he always worried that i was too lonely.

i had a dream about my dad last night.  i was with him on a picnic table in a park and we were looking at an ad for a house for sale.  i told him that i’d pretty much given up hope of ever being able to buy a house and it made us both sad.  i told him that i missed him so much and he hugged me and i was a little girl again.