take the long way home

December 26, 2013

this year i’ve been such a sad bastard that i didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with my family at christmas.  i didn’t want to just sit around and cry with my cousin, which is, of course, EXACTLY what i want to do, so i just ran up christmas eve day and came home again today, christmas day, via scenic jenny lind road and milton and farmington and escalon.  i cruised in front of the high school, but it looks foreign to me.  i drove by madame baymiller-with-the-cats’s house and walked around at dent for a while–no more swings.

i was so sad.  i am so sad.  i should be so sad.

it’s not even been two months and i feel like i’m just coming to my grief new every day, every time i see someone who mirrors that pain in my eyes.

betty ambushed me as soon as i walked into the 33.  i thought i could wear tight jeans and a little mascara, even, and have some fun, but i get to be all blotchy and cry first thing.  people are so kind and i want to just be gracious, but i hurt.  it hurts too much.  it’s so hard to just say “thank you for your concern” and not fucking disintegrate with every casual glance.  but people loved her and love me and we are together and it is just another day.  what’s a little mascara?

play the jukebox, drink and talk.  this is how it is.


went out tonight with a couple of friends for tapas and strolling around galleries and the hot chocolate that comes in tiny cups and is like drinking hot chocolate pudding to celebrate my birthday.  a lovely evening!  we had these thinly sliced grilled artichokes that were amazing, some potatoes and mushrooms and things at picaro on 16th, then walked to viracocha to look at stuff and meandered up and down valencia to look at galleries and such in the not-awful mist.  we stopped at dandelion chocolate for the amazing european drinking chocolate–hot chocolate pudding in a shot glass and one of the best things ever.  last night i was there and got the mission hot chocolate, a wonderful spicy-spicy frothy traditional hot chocolate and tony got the european and i was jealous, so this was extra satisfying.

anyway, good food, good art, good company, good chocolate.  a good birthday, all around.


it’s still a hard thing, to not have her here to share this with, the cat birthday cards, my outfit,  the hot chocolate pudding cup, the fact that they’re remodeling and fancying up the mission mickey ds.

my birthday. 


it’s still a hard thing, but people have been really amazing and supportive and caring to me, more than i expected.  i am grateful and happy and sad and–

completely freezing-ass cold.  fuck the environment and my pg&e bill–it’s my birthday and i’m running the heat until i can unclench my muscles a little.  nigh-nigh.

just what i needed.

October 15, 2013

my trip to portland this last weekend was pretty close to perfect…i think it was just what i needed to restore my severely depleted store of support and love.  breakfast and a ride to the airport friday morning and an unexpected pick-up waiting for me in the meetings area when i got home to sfo courtesy of one of my newest friends, book-ending a perfect visit with some of my oldest friends.  i was with people who love and value me in a city full of fucking amazing food and drink–yeah, that’s the good stuff.