take the long way home

December 26, 2013

this year i’ve been such a sad bastard that i didn’t feel like spending a lot of time with my family at christmas.  i didn’t want to just sit around and cry with my cousin, which is, of course, EXACTLY what i want to do, so i just ran up christmas eve day and came home again today, christmas day, via scenic jenny lind road and milton and farmington and escalon.  i cruised in front of the high school, but it looks foreign to me.  i drove by madame baymiller-with-the-cats’s house and walked around at dent for a while–no more swings.

i was so sad.  i am so sad.  i should be so sad.

it’s not even been two months and i feel like i’m just coming to my grief new every day, every time i see someone who mirrors that pain in my eyes.

betty ambushed me as soon as i walked into the 33.  i thought i could wear tight jeans and a little mascara, even, and have some fun, but i get to be all blotchy and cry first thing.  people are so kind and i want to just be gracious, but i hurt.  it hurts too much.  it’s so hard to just say “thank you for your concern” and not fucking disintegrate with every casual glance.  but people loved her and love me and we are together and it is just another day.  what’s a little mascara?

play the jukebox, drink and talk.  this is how it is.

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