ugh.

June 28, 2016

car stress, which is really money stress, is not something we need right now.  not something anyone ever needs, of course, but i have enough existential angst going on as it is–the idea that i’ve just paid $1400 to repair my mom’s car–basically more than it is worth–and we’ll still have to buy her a different car on top of that because this’ll just keep her limping along until we can figure something else out.

ugh.

i haven’t even paid off my car (that i hate) yet, but now i’m going to try to absorb another car payment?  and my rent goes up next month, of course.  it’s just exhausting, all on top of a grief sandwich of worrying about my aunt and uncle.

i picked a bad week to stop sniffing glue.

Advertisements

high and fine and free

October 26, 2014

the pixies–i can’t forget

i loved the pixies from their beginning and leonard cohen almost from my beginning and certainly this song since it first came out, but…damn.  this morning in the shower, it hit me in a much more personal way.

in a couple days it’ll be the one year anniversary of maureen’s death, and i’ve done a lot of mental and emotional rearranging in that time to get myself through all that stuff that we have to get through when a friend dies, along with a side of special suicide grief.  i can think back on certain things and try not to think back too often on others.  that mental filing job isn’t totally complete, of course, but main index is filling out.

i still miss her so much, every day.  every fucking day.  and i still get so angry with some people and so frustrated with myself and i wish i could give that up–i wouldn’t mind the missing her so much if i could get through the other thing.

birthday2011

bob mould…bitter, bitter bob.  you are the music of my people.

i remember so clearly when this came out.  i’d been a husker du fan, but this!  this was exactly what i wanted.  the writing and guitar were so good and it was as dark as my soul.  i’m still so fucking adolescent sometimes, with hurt feelings and lack of appreciation…but sometimes hurt feelings are really hurt.  sometimes people suck.  bob knows.

oh, man, and the transitions on bob’s albums are always good, but song three, “heartbreak a stranger” just kills me, and then you get “see a little light” next. 

it’s like backing up “too far down” with “hardly getting over it”.  it keeps things from going over to the maudlin, keeps the edge sharp, but with cynical optimism.  man, i miss records and cassettes, the whole having two sides, to first and last songs.  sigh.  but i digress…

workbook is a great album.  if you haven’t listened to it lately, you should.  and if you wonder what my state of mind is lately?  well, those two songs are summing it up