“if you leave, you can’t come back”

May 5, 2011

sometimes i feel san francisco is like the 8th grade dance in _dazed and confused_–if i leave, i won’t ever be able to come back. but am i “gettin’ there”?  why do i even want to stay here?

i love living here because it’s cool, basically.  i’ve got art museums and places to eat and an apartment with awesome ambient noise and great light and it’s my life…but what if i lose my job?  could i find another and afford to stay here? i can’t even afford to stay here now!   i’m over 40 and still living like a college student, basically, never having any money, paycheck to paycheck, renting, getting further into debt, being at the mercy of my crazy landlady’s whims…maybe i should just be proactive and look for a job elsewhere and leave this place.  maybe if i moved someplace smaller again, i could make friends, find love, buy a house and grow up already…or maybe i’d just be in some little shit town, still broke and even more alone…

part of me thinks that i’ll never make a move until i have to–my whole life basically has led me to where i am now.  i went to school, got a good job, went back to school and got my perfect job and now i have it.  that’s cool, right?  but i bet i could get another job somewhere that would probably be okay.  i mean, i’m smart, educated and experienced–what more would they want?  oh, yeah, some money to pay my paycheck.  that’s lacking in a world that doesn’t exactly appreciate things like public education and good libraries.  sure, they’ll be sorry when this generation of ignorant, uncultured jerks is running things, but it’s too late then, isn’t it?

god, i hope i don’t lose my job.  maybe it would be the best thing to ever happen to me, but i sure as hell hope it doesn’t happen to me.

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